Mari's Site

Acceptance of Trichotillomania
   By John Logan

"Don't be ashamed of anything that is beyond your control. Be proud that you
fought the battle as hard as you have. If you have to surrender that
doesn't mean that you lost. You are a bigger person for having fought the
battle than to never have fought at all. By devoting your time and life to
this disorder REALLY makes you the WINNER!!!"

I have had Trichotillomania for 40 plus years.  I have tried everything to
stop pulling out my hair.  It took me 30 years just to find an article on it.
As soon as I found that article, I took it to my psychiatrist who was treating me for bipolar disorder and he started me on medication for the TTM.  For the next 10 years, I tried just about every OCD medication on the market in 4 different stages. At first, some of them seemed to work but once my body
got adjusted to them, then they stopped working.  Luvox made my pulling much worse.  At the time, I was also trying behavior modification.  With the
Luvox, that turned out to be a complete waste of time and money.  This medication also gave me a false reading for prostate cancer.  I have also tried 4 hypnotists.  I still believe that there could be the right hypnotist out there who can help.  The last guy was a hypnotherapist who helped stroke patients learn to walk and talk again.  He was so convinced that he could help me that even I believed it.  I have even thought that I would stop pulling when my mother died.  The last time that I was on meds, 3 years ago, I almost fell asleep at the wheel while driving 80 mph.  It scared me so bad that I swore that I would never take meds again.  This last time on meds, I finally decided that I was tired of trying to hide my problem and I told my family and a couple of close friends.  They were very supportive.  My oldest sister bought me a prescription book and she was very helpful telling me about the bad side affects of the meds.  After getting tired of the side affects and after hearing how they could affect my health, I decided that I was tired of fighting this disorder.  I tried going sugar free and didn't last very long.  I discovered that I have food allergies and I was going to try the JK Diet but I am allergic to most of the foods on it.  I finally decided that NO disorder was going to rule my life.  I want to eat anything that I want to unless it makes me sick.

  My last psychiatrist had me terrified.  He told me that if I pulled out all
my eyebrows, I could get another compulsion that could be much worse.  While on Luvox, I pulled out all my brows while having coffee one
morning.  Once I decided to accept my TTM, I had to get used to my new look of having no eyebrows.  Since this disorder gives us such a feeling of low
self esteem, it was very difficult at first.  On weekends, I would practise
going out in public with no makeup.  (I should mention that for you ladies,
it is quite common for you to use eyebrow pencil.  I have used eyebrow
pencil since I was 13 years old and it has always been embarrassing to buy it).  I have since graduated to a brush-on eye makeup.  Anyway, it took me a good
year to finally feel comfortable going out in public with no makeup.  I still
felt uncomfortable at work because I could tell that people were
staring at me when the light hit just right and the shiny skin showed
through. I still go to the restroom at work and look in the mirror and say to myself "Oh My God"!! 

10 months ago, I told my boss and co-workers about my TTM.  I thought
that it would make me feel more comfortable at work.  I was a nervous wreck
when I told them but now I wish that I would have done it at least 10 yrs ago.  One of my doctors advised me not to tell them.  I finally went with my gut feeling and am glad that I did.  I don't think that I would have told them if I wasn't protected by the Americans With Disabilities Act.  Since telling my boss, she now traets me like a normal human being instead of like a lump of coal.  She was very sexist and I almost had a sexual discrimination case against her.  I guess I might as well mention that I have a very stressful job which doesn't help matters.

   As time went on and I learned not to let my lack of hair bother me, I learned to like the new me.  I am now so comfortable about it that I wish that my brows would never grow back.  I checked into the laser treatments to keep hair from growing but it proved to be pretty expensive and would only last 3 months.  I pull from everywhere except my arms, legs and chest, although I shave part of my chest.  I also have OCD and ADD which seem to make it more difficult to deal with this disorder.  I wear a wig to work and pull from it.  I would give anything to quit wearing the wig but it would be too traumatic for me to take the jokes at work.  The OCD also makes it too difficult to stop wearing the wig.  The only good thing about TTM is that it
isn't life threatening.  There was an article on the OCD Newsletter that helped me get through this ordeal.  It was on Accepting the Illness and its
Wake.  It says that the key to acceptance is surrender, not submission.
Submission is a pretext for surrender.  With acceptance, there is no resistance.  Accepting something doesn't mean liking it or giving in to it.
There are many things we learn to accept but don't like.  We cannot change
anything unless we accept it.  If I had known that acceptance was this nice
and rewarding, I would have tried it at least 20 yrs ago!!  I wish that
everyone could get to this level.

Best Wishes,
John Logan

5 STEPS OF TRICHOTILLOMANIA

- Cheryn Salazar

Step 1: Surrender
We recognize and accept that we are powerless to stop our hair pulling. We
surrender absolutely.

Step 2: Commitment
We seek support and spiritual enrichment through group process. By sharing
our dilemma we learn to reach outside ourselves for help and guidance.

Step 3: Willingness
Our commitment from to recovery from hair pulling is expressed in our
willingness to help and be helped through all available means of recovery.
There are no bounds to our willingness for this is the door to spiritual
freedom.

Step 4: Shame Reduction
We believe that hair pulling does not have to be a shame-oriented disorder.
Through group process, we hope to reduce our shame and in doing so open the
doors to self-esteem.

Step 5: Recovery
Building our self-esteem is the heartbeat of our program. Through this
process we improve our relationships with each other, with ourselves, and with the world. By helping ourselves we learn to help others and through helping others we recover.

Visit Cheryn's Web Site: http//:www.cheryn.com

or call: 1-888-2-CHERYN (1-888-224-3796).
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